The first Hall Nathaniel had sex, he contracted the Human Immunodeficiency Virus the (HIV). He had 16 years and recently declared himself gay.
Fear, shame and self-hatred kept his diagnosis hidden from his family for 14 years ahead.
Last year he "came out of the closet" for the second time in his life and wrote a play about his experience, about what is growing as gay and seropositive.
Nathaniel, 32, of & # 39; Manchester, hopes that this exhibition & # 39; One person involved conversation about HIV representations in popular culture.
Tell as you know what I had the virus when I was still a child.
The "summer romance 'with & # 39; elderly man
I knew he was gay when he was between 13 and 14 years.
2003 was a very different time than today. Not even (that) was an option at school. Everything was a secret … It was very difficult to find out who else was gay.
And then this man came to my life. I was 16 years old, was bigger than me, Twenty years.
F & # 39; suddenly, this elderly man out thick and me This għamlituni feel validated, approvedIt was very shocking. So we began to see each other.
That relationship did not last long, actually only a few months.
Everything happened in the summer, in the transition between high school and college, summer romance, so to speak. Then take separate paths.
I was diagnosed with HIV and when you bill it, received messages from his friends, who were older than me, telling what I was just a silly boy, I was and make it worse than.
What I really wanted was that a test and he received the treatment required to send to another person because many of these following infections Patients who do not know they have the virus.
but Never knew if they really knew. He was examined and told me that his health was good … At the age of & # 39; 16 years you really m & # 39; have the ability to challenge it.
"As if hit hit bus"
I had passed 17 when received the diagnosis.
I remember the clinic staff was very kind to me and I do not remember much, except to receive the news.
Then, remember to go home and feel like I had to take a decision.
And did it quickly, the decision was: enter my room and close the door and does not say what would happen to me.
I felt aroused I was struck by the bus because when I try tevokaha, I feel a physical sensation of life rolled b & # 39; enough force.
I remember crying. What was said are very different from what they say today in the same situation.
Certainly, we were not in the era in which the outbreak of the AIDS epidemic, there were drugs available and good and getting better.
But they told me the prognosis was & # 39; about a & # 39; 37 years. So, in fact, that the number f & # 39; mind was very difficult to digest.
I have received psychological counseling at my university, I felt supported and thought all was well until at the end of last year I had a small crisis.
"I think the shame kkontrollatni"
I think shame is the greatest thing. It is truly the only disease that is endorsed by & # 39; moral judgment and, to some extent, that we live up to our own value judgment.
I was growing up in homosexual and heterosexual world. Acknowledge that you are morally wrong or what to do is dirty and that's why you have to asthma. I am aware of I & # 39; what.
Then hear warnings & # 39; this type "It goesi be punished"
It was as if, in & # 39; that moment, these prophecies have come true and that caused me a very strong feeling.
To the extent that Imponijt about myself I sense & # 39; shame.
Read iktar►Ettra 5 hours a person dies from HIV in Argentina
I remember when I was in school, the only example of & # 39; ve had a gay relationship in the subject & # 39; sex education was video where a gay man was dying of & # 39; AIDS.
Lesson was completely outdated and, therefore, those messages I was receiving I had secondary or what I'm doing wrong and immoral or x & # 39; is, did not come from my family, but they entered from anywhere.
They għerequ over time and then, f & # 39; suddenly, I got that stereotype.
So I think that really ikkontrollatni shame.
"I did not irrikonoxxijt"
I think the key moment was when, after a party, did not sleep for two days.
F & # 39; that moment I realized that drugs and alcohol … not necessarily taken my life, but I abused them as & # 39; a way that did not make me something good.
No way was heavy addiction or anything, but I was self-medicated with alcohol.
I was trying get rid of the anxiety and stress of & # 39; bHague intensitywhich had accumulated over the years.
Nirrealizzajt if I did not do something about it, can & # 39; be serious and real problem.
Something had changed.
I needed to tell my family. I had tried many, many times before, but never happened and never came to tell me.
So began the journey to make games. I started writing and make sense of & # 39; things.
then I decided to write a letter to parents and my brothers.
Ittieħtu afternoon to write everything I wanted to tell. Told myself that I was not necessarily to send it, I just needed to write and then see how I felt about it.
But after I did this, I felt quite calm. So I just put it in & # 39; envelopes and sent immediately before I can & # 39; I change.
I did it this way because I had tried many times before and I've never tell him.
And also I thought that if four make it & # 39; consecutive times causes me strong emotional impact.
To be honest, the answer could not impress.
It was, somewhat, the same way many homosexuals feel before leaving the closet. That fear & # 39; of & # 39; x & # 39; can & # 39; happens, but all sent messages & # 39; test and they called me and had completely quiet.
They only regretted that I felt that I keep secret for so long.
My mother came the next day and received.
My major concern was that they were upset because they did not account them and because I had hidden something so important.
But my mother said: "I am upset because his son was struggling with & # 39; it for a long time alone"
It was scary. there were some internalized homophobia feel very gay gay and then the shame, the fear layer which accrued, and all that, together, is really strong.
Even if you have a family really keen, it is difficult for you to tell them.
"I used to go & # 39; & # 39 b every morning, knot the – heart "
Not that, in & # 39; suddenly, everything was fixed. But the writing and work on the project took in & # 39; some hard places and that was difficult.
but I felt much lighter and much more able to deal with things and anxiety that had accumulated.
I used to wake up every morning with & # 39; notes in my heart, in my chest.
I used to think it was not affected me, but after telling my family, NEFA & # 39; bit and thought "My God, you lived with & # 39; this almost great anxiety"
Every morning, the first thing I felt was fear in my chest, something that oppressed me, and I still feel when I talk about it.
But since I started this trip, admitted the crisis passed bill and some of the bad decisions made and by making peace with & # 39; whatM & # 39; I should not be the perfect person I was trying.
And that was very free.